Twilight Movie SpoofParody
by xXMythical-Midnight-SunXx
Summary: I spoofed the movie a little, I love the movie, but I was bored and this came to mind, so please R
1. It BEGINS!

**Disclaimer: **

**Me: *walks up to random dude.*** **HI!**

**random dude: uh, hi.**

**me: do I own twilight?**

**random dude: you think you one the evening?**

**me: no the book.**

**random dude: what book?**

**me: the Twilight Saga.**

**random dude: what's that?**

**me: do you live under a rock?**

**random dude: uh, well me and my brother Patrick, down in Bikini Bottom---**

**me: CAN IT! *hits him with rubber chicken* I don't own twilight... *tear***

**A/N: Okay, here are some bloopers i created from the movie, i give credit to my friend Alex who made a commentary on the movie once. So yeah here's the story**

Director: and Action!!!

**scene:1** **(these aren't in any particular order)**

Bella: I never thought of how I would die. *gets hit by passing semi*

_Well now we know!_

**when they first walk in the Cullen house**

Edward: Welcome to my den of sin! mwahahahahah!

Bella: Um, where's the coffin?

Edward: In Rosalie's room!... It's broken by the way.

**kitchen scene**

Edward: she already ate.

Rosalie: *throws lettuce at Bella*

Director: Hon, you're supposed to break the bowl!

Rosalie: OOOOOOh, *does der sign, then throws bowl on the ground. It shatters*

Director: good enough.

Rosalie: Eat the Freakin' food bitch!

Alice: *walks out on tree branch, then falls into the kitchen*

Jasper: *laughs hysterically*

Alice: Help me up, dammit!

Jasper:*helps Alice up*

Alice: Hi i'm Alice! *hugs Bella* You smell like terd!

Edward: Alice!

Alice: Me and Bella are gonna be great friends!

Bella: Um okay.

Alice: It's like I have ESPN

--

Esme: Cute!

Alice: I know!

Rosalie: Hate her!

Carlisle: Me too!

Esme: clean this up, now.

Rosalie: The princess clean? Ugh, yeah right.

Esme: I said clean it up!

Rosalie: Okay! *shoves Esme's face in the glass* There ya go! *skips off*

**Edward's room scene**

Bella: No bed?

Edward: We can do it on the floor!

Bella: Oh my gawd not till the fourth book!

Edward: Damn...

Bella: What are you listening to? *turns on radio, classical music plays*

Edward: It's DeBussy.

Bella: *in happy voice* Oh, Claire de Lune sucks.

Edward: You're a bitch.

Bella: wanna skip to the fourth.

Edward: Sure!

--------------------censored--------------------

**outside at Bella's**

Bella: Can you at least act human? I mean, I have neighbors.

Edward: Arf!!!

Bella: what?

Edward: acting like you, you're a bitch right?

Bella: *sigh*

Edward: I'm gonna have to take you to my house tomorrow!

Bella: You mean like with your family?

Edward: *nods*

Bella: What if they don't like me? I mean I do blink to much.

Edward: Yeah, you do. So your worried not because you'll be in a house full of vampires, but because you think they won't approve you.

Bella: That's what I said jackass.

Edward: Aw, I love you to! *looks off*

Bella: What?

Edward: Complications. *gets in car*

*as Billy and Edward are passing eachother*

Billy: Jerk.

Edward: Bitch.

**breaking all the rules now anyway scene**

Bella: Everyone's staring.

Edward: *pokes guy in the eyes* That guy isn't.

Bella: That's so romantic!

Edward: Since I'm going to hell.

Rosalie from the car: Get in Loser Wer'e going shopping!

**baseball scene**

Esme: Call 'em as you see 'em Bella.

Emmett: She thinks we cheat.

Esme: I know you cheat.

Emmett: That was you.

Esme: YOU CHEAT DAMMIT!

Emmett: Yes mommy.

--

Rosalie: *glares at Bella after her strike*

Bella: My ESPN says wer'e gonna be bestys!

Alice: I'm the one with ESPN.

Bella: NO ME!

Alice: *crying* Jazzy!

Jasper: Blame the beauty, huh?

Rosalie: Shut-up fork -butt.

Bella: THAT RHYMED!!!!!!!

**I know what you are scene**

Bella: I know what you are.

Edward: Say, say it out loud.

Bella: Well I'd rather not cause people are here and it's a secret.

Edward: Just freakin' say it.

Bella: Mermaid.

Edward: MERMAN!

**lion and lamb scene**

Edward: This is the skin of a killer Bella

Bella: You're perty!

--

Edward: I wanted to kill you, that first day in biology.

Bella: Welcome!!!

--

Edward: So the lion fell in love with the lamb.

Bella: What a stupid lamb.

Edward: What a bad breathed lamb! *gags*

**Bella's first day at school**

Tyler: Nice ride.

Bella: At least mine don't run people over on icy days.

Tyler: That's not till later!

--

Eric: Hi, I'm Eric the eyes and ears of this place, anything you need, tourguide, lunchdate, shoulder to cry on?

Bella: Actually, I would like a date Friday.

Eric: Sorry, unless your trans-gender I can't, I'm kinda gay.

Bella: 0_o

**at lunch**

Bella: Who are they?

Angela: The Cullen's?

Jessica: They're doctor and Mrs. Cullen's foster kids. Okay so, the blonde ones Rosalie, she's a bitch, and the big one's Emmett, we had sex once.

Rosalie: What?!

Jessica: um, moving on.

Rosalie: *walks off hitting Emmett*

Jessica: The little dark-haired girl's Alice, she's really weird she shoved a carrot up my nose when I mistaked her for a kindergartner, and the one who looks like he really needs to poop is Jasper.

Bella: Who's he?

Jessica: That's Edward Cullen, he's totally gorgeous, obviously, but he doesn't date. So, like don't waste your time.

Bella: Yeah, yeah, whatev bitch

**ballet scene**

Bella: *instead of pepper spray, pulls out a taser*

James: *screams like a girl*

Bella: mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

--

Carlisle: Find the will Edward. *in mufassa from lion king voice* Remember who you are.

Edward: 0_o

Carlisle: Just find the damn will!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Whatever.

*Alice, Jasper, and Emmett in background start chanting*

Edward: What the hell?

Carlisle: Rain dance, duh.

Bella: It burns!

Edward: Maybe we should get her some ice.

Carlisle: Good idea!

*Edward and Carlisle walk off*

**Bella's first day at Charlie's**

Jacob: Hi I'm Jacob, we used to make mud pies together.

Bella: Yeah! You're the guy who used to pee in his pants, cause you had a weak bladder!

**first biology class**

Edward: *holding breath*

Bella: sits: *sits down next to him*

Edward: *pukes violently*

Bella: Are you okay?

Edward: No... God I don't want to talk okay.

Bella: What's your fave color?!

Edward: red

Bella: what classes do you have?

Edward: Sex-Ed

Bella: me to!

Edward: You know, you're ugly.

Bella: awwwww, you're so sweet!!!!

**the last scene with Victoria**

Victoria: *pulls her hair clip out, the hairclip gets stuck* OW! *falls down the stairs* Dammit.

**baseball scene again**

Laurent: I believe this is yours.

Carlisle: *puts on rubber gloves* *in disgusted voice* Thanks.

Laurent: Is there a problem?

Carlisle: Well you eat humans and by touching their inside you could have hepatitus, and I don't want it.

James: That Waylon guy was weird tasting. *looks thoughtful*

--

Victoria: I'm the one the wicked curveball.

Emmett: I'm the one who kills your mate!

Alice: Not till the end you dumb polock.

Emmett: *gets out matches*

James: *girly scream*

Alice: *tackles Emmett*

Carlisle: Actually a few of us were leaving, you can take their place.

*the wind blows*

James: You brought chicken!!!! *starts jumping up and down*

Edward: AAAAAAAH! My chicken! *bites Bella*

Bella: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Carlisle: Better get more ice.

**prom scene**

Edward: *attempts to lift Bella over the stairs, then drops her*

Bella: Ow!

Edward: Would you get up!

--

Bella: I can't dance.

Edward: Sure you do. *tries to lift her on his feet* Okay your to fat.

Bella: But Alice signed me up for Nutri-System, I can't be! *stamps foot*

**in the kissing scene**

Edward: *kiss* don't eat her. *kiss* don't eat her. *kiss* don't eat her.

**la push baby scene**

Eric: It's La Push, baby.

Bella: *shoves fork down his throat* I'll go if you stop saying that.

Eric: *choking*

Mike: really dude it's creepy.

Eric: *still choking*

Bella: Cool, I'll go.

Eric: *passes out dead*

**at the beach**

Jessica: You guys should keep Bella company, her bailed on her.

Mike: Date?

Eric: What date?

Angela: She invited Edward.

Mike: That's it, I'm gonna go kick some Cullen ass.

Mike: *walks up to Edward* You hitting on my Bella, Eddie.

Edward: *growls*

Mike: *screams like little girl* OHMYGAWD! *tries to run away but Jasper eats him*

Edward: Dude?

Jasper: I was hungry.

Alice: That's my boy! *rubs Jaspers head*

**when Bella gets her truck**

Bella: *hits Jake with the door*

Jacob: Hey!

Bella: What? You're a bad kitty.

Jacob: I'm a dog!

Bella: Whatev bitch.

Jacob: That's Leah!

**when Charlie and Billy are having that play/fight in the street**

Bella: Are they always like this?

Jacob: It gets worse with old age. I mean you should've seen 'em yesterday, Charlie pulled dads weelchair out from under him and started hitting him with it.

Bella: So nothings changed?

Jacob: Nope.

**back in Edward's room**

Bella: What are you listening to? *turns on stereo*

_CUTS LIKE A KNIFE, BUT IT FEELS SO RIGHT, YEAH IT CUTS LIKE A KNIFE._

Edward: Uuuuh..

Bella: So you are emo!

**at the beach with Jacob**

Jacob: It's really just like an old scary story.

Bella: Oh my gawd, like Dracula.

Jacob: How'd you know?!

Bella: 0_o

Jacob: *laughs nervously*

**in the meadow as their laying down**

Edward: Oh Dear God!

Bella: What my little spraklepire?

Edward: Your poors are freskin' huge...

Bella: Um...

Edward: And a spider just crawled up your nose.

**once again at the baseball scene**

Carlisle: Nice kitty.

Rosalie: I'm a freakin' peacock dammit!

Carlisle: 0_o.

**(if u've seen the pic of the Cullen's turned into animals pic u get it, shout out to Jeah Hale, cause that's her icon, and she's awesome)**

**in Edward's room**

Edward: swings Bella on his back, then falls off the balcony*

Bella: Ow.

Edward: lose some weight bitch.

**in the tree**

Bella: This isn't real, these things just don't exsist.

Edward: Yes they freakin' do, gah you're dumb.

**A/N: I have way more I could do, but tell me if u want me to, i do love the movie and all, but this is funny to me. PLEASE REVIEW!**

**~pixie~**


	2. OMG! ANOTHER CHAPTER OF RANDOM!

**Disclaimer: I do not own twilight, lucky freakin' Stephanie Meyer beat me to, dammit.**

**A/N: Here's another chappie of bloopers!**

**when edward saves Bella from the van**

Edward: *looks at girls butt*

*the van hits Bella*

Edward: *flits over to her* Are you okay? I saw this really hot chick, and... I gotta go get her number. *stands up and looks around* Damn she's gone now... Are you okay?

Bella: *dies*

Edward: Well shit... Can I go home now?

**at La Push  
**

Angela: Snake!! Snake!!!!

Bella: *sighs, walks over to mike and shoves the snake down his throat* That's for being a bitch!

**in Port Angeles when the dudes are messing with Bella**

Edward: *pulls up* RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

*guys runaway*

Bella: Eddie!!!!!!

Edward: Don't call me that.

Bella: Fine.. *thoughtful face*.. Eddie!!!!

Edward: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR!

Bella: I trust you!

**somewhere randomly with Jacob**

Jacob: I am a kitty, here me roar. *in real small girl-like voice*.. rawr!

Bella: You can change your voice?

Jacob: Yeah.

Bella: OMYGAWD!!! You're the freakin' exrocist!!!!!

Jacob: 0_0 ...

**as Edward's piggy-backing Bella**

Bella: Edward?

Edward: Yes My Little Pookernut?

Bella: I farted.

Edward: EEEW! Get the hell off me!

**when Carisle bites Esme**

Carlisle: *bites her* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! What the hell is on your kneck? It freakin' burns!!!!

Esme: Hot sauce! *laughs evilly*

Carlisle: Bitch... RRRRRRRAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRR! *eats Esme*

**after James bites Bella**

Carlisle: Alice, give me your belt!

Alice: Get your own freakin' belt.

Carlisle: Give me the damn belt Alice!!!

Alice: Oh shut the hell up snotface.

Carlisle: *tackles Alice* GIVE ME THE DAMN BELT!!!!!!

Edward: *chaniting* Chick fight, chick fight, chick fight!

**when Mike asks Bella**

Mike: Will you go to the prom with me?

Bella: Can you fly?

Mike: No...

Bella: Do you have diamonds in your face?

Mike: Uuuuuh...

**when Edward makes Bella dance on his feet**

Edward: *lifts Bella.. grunts*

Bella: *gasps*

Edward: What?

Bella: Did you just grunt?

Edward: Um...

Bella: Are you saying I'm fat?!

Edward: N-no!

Bella: Jacob could've have lifted me, hell, Waylon could've have freakin' lifted and he's dead!

Edward: What? Sorry, I was looking at that girls hot ass!

**outside b4 prom**

Edward: I leave you for five seconds and the pikachu's descend?

Bella: No, he wasn't a pikachu.

Edward: Then what was he?

Bella: A bitch with long hair.

**in Edward's room**

*Bella turns on speaker*

_LET'S GO G.N.O. LET'S GOOOOO IT'S A GIRLS NIGHT!_

Edward: Heh-heh...

Bella: She sounds like the screeching gibbon I saw at the zoo!

**A/N: Okay, i am not done with this story! I will updat if i get more reviews!!!!!! so please press the green button!!!!! btw, i strongly dislike miley. sorry it was short.**

**~Pixie~**


	3. WOW! IT'S A CHAPTER!

**Disclaimer: Me: Um hey Stephanie... **

**Stephanie: Why are you smiling like that?**

**Me: Hehe, well. OMG!!! Look at the puppy!!!**

**Stephanie: (wirls around to look at the puppy)**

**Me: (pushes her into a venus fly trap)**

**Stephanie: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!**

**Me: Mwhahahahaah!!!!! I got the manuscript to Midnight Sun. (does the cabbage patch)**

**Stephanie: (pulls me into venus fly trap)**

**Me: AAAAAAAHHHH! I don't Own TWILGHT! AAAAAAAAAAAH!**

**A/N: Okay, here's some more bloopers/spoof. And I'll put myslef in this story from time to time. :D**

_**in the opening credits**_

Bella: I never thought of how I would die. (jumps off the cliff)

Me: ... Wasn't that in the next movie...

Bella: Love, Life, Meaning... Over!

Me: Is she...?

Bella: (hits a giant rock instead of water.)

Me: (laughs hysterically) Well, you won't be hallucinating about Eddie anymore.

Edward: Neither will you. (pushes me off cliff)

_**in the kitchen scene**_

Alice: Don't worry, you won't hurt her.

Edward: (eats Bella)

Alice: SPIT HER UP!!! (starts wacking Eddie with a cheese grader)

Edward: (spits Bella up)

Alice: You okay?

Bella: (runs out screaming into the street and gets hit by random monster truck)

Edward: Oops...

_**in the kissing scene**_

Edward: (Jumps in window)

Bella: Hey mom I've gotta go. (hangs up)

Edward: EEEEW!!! GET SOME PANTS ON!!!!!

Bella: You don't want me?

Edward: ... No, bye....

_**when Edward introduces himself**_

Edward: I'm Edward Cullen.

Bella: I'm Bella.

Edward: That's a stupid name.

Bella: It's also Isabella.

Edward: gross.

Bella: Marie?

Edward: Lame. (starts walking away)

Bella: Um, my last name's Swan.

Edward: (flits back to her) I love Swans!

_**when Waylon Forge gets eaten**_

Waylon: I'm on a boat! I'm on a boat! Look at me everybody cause I'm on-- (falls out of boat)

_**baseball scene**_

Laurent: I'm Laurent, this is James, and this is--

Victoria: Meow.

Laurent: Um....

Victoria: What? they say i'm cat-like.

James: I don't know her..

Victoria: Meow- Sure you dooooo- Meow.

Carlisle: And I was scared this would be a rough bunch.

**right b4 Bella goes to Edward's when Charlie's about to drag Billy up the stairs**

Billy: We wouldn't anyone else gettin' hurt.

Charlie: Like you, mwahahah!!! (pushes Billy's weelchair out into the street, gets hit by Edward's Volvo)

Edward: That's what you get for literally being bitches!!! (drives away)

**at the diner**

Mike: (doing that dance outside the window)

Charlie: Looks like you friends...

Mike:(gets hit by passing car)

Bella: (looks upward) Thank you, God.

**ballet scene**

Bella: My arm! It burns!

(James' hand crawls up)

Edward: (screams like a little girl)

Carlisle: (hits it with Alice's belt)

Alice: You're getting vampire juice on my belt!!!!!

**kissing scene**

Edward: (kiss) Don't eat her (kiss) don't eat her (kiss) Oh, what the heck. (eats Bella)

**when Bella gets her truck**

Bella: OMG! A truck from the dollar store!

Charlie: Do you like it?

Bella: (crying) I've always wanted a truck from the dollar store!

Billy: I think she loves it!

Bella: Jacob I need to punch you for making me this... Stand by the door.

**kitchen scene**

Alice: Don't worry Jasper you won't hurt her!

Me: (runs in) JASPER BITE ME!!!!!

Jasper: (blink, blink)

Me: I wanna be like you! I wanna be a sparklepire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alice: ...

Me: (gives myself papercut)

Jasper: RRRAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRR!

Me: (gets bitten and sucked dry) That didn't work out so well...

**hospital scene**

Carlisle: Isabella Swan!

Bella: Call me Freakin' Bella!!!

Carlisle: O-kay.... (pokes Bella in the eye with needle)

Charlie: What the hell are you doing?!

Carlisle: Checking her pulse...

Charlie: (facepalm)

Bella: (tries to do facepalm, the jabs the needle into her brain. Then dies)

**first day of school in cafeteria**

Jessica: The one who looks like he's in pain is Jasper.

Me: LOVE ME JASPER! (tackles Jasper)

Edward: (laughs)

**when Bella finds out what Edward is**

Edward: I wanted to eat you.

Bella: I trust you.

Edward: I still want to eat you.

Bella: I trust you.

Edward: I will eat you!

Bella: I trust you.

Edward: (eyes trun black)

Bella: I trust you.

Edward: (eats Bella)

Bella: (wheezing last breaths) I... trust... you... (dies)

Edward: Finally, she's so annoying.

**some random time**

Bella: Edward, I have to tell you something.

Edward: What love.

Bella: I'm in love with Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries!!!!

Edward: What?! But he's non-sparkly.

Bella: Not all greatness sparkles Edward! (runs away to Mystic Falls to be with Damon)

**-------**

**A/N: Okay big thanks to crazykgirl9! She rocks. :)**


	4. OMG! CHAPTER 4 WOOO!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, if I did you would know. Because Jacob would be dead, Edward never would've left, and I would be Alice. :)  
A/N: Okay, so I have to give credit to Jeah Hale big time for this whole idea, she is awesome!!!!!!! So credit goes to Jeah Hale, crazykgirl9, jalicecullen. **

**-----------**

**in the Port Angeles scene, when Bella is about to get killed by those dudes**

Edward: (pulls up and jumps out to save Bella)

Jeah Hale: EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Hey! You're not Bella!

Jeah Hale: I'll be your Bella!!!!!! Please save meeee!

Edward: Hehe, 'kay. Look dudes back off.

(the dudes run off screaming like girls)

Jeah Hale: AAAH! You saved me!

Edward: Yeaah, come on get in the car!

Jeah Hale: (gasps) I get to ride in the Volvo! (jumps in car)

Edward: (gets in, starts driving) Say something so I don't go back and eat those dudes like fruitcake!

Jeah Hale: Um... Kiss me!

Edward: Ok-ay. (acts like he's gonna kiss her, then bites her)

Jeah Hale: I'm gonna be a vampire! Eeek! (gets sucked dry) Noo... (gets eaten)

Edward: Mmm, tasty!

**at ballet scene**

Edward: Thank god we finally killed James!

crazykgirl9: (walks in) OMG! EDWARD CULLEN!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Oh no!

crazykgirl9: (starts running towards him)

James: (jumps out of fire)

crazykgirl9: OMG! You jumped out of the fire, that is sooooo cool!! Are you a circus monkey?!

James: !!!!!! (starts eating crazykgirl9)

crazykgirl9: (pepperspraying James)

James: STOP!!!! (eats crazykgirl9)

crazykgirl9: Goodbye cruel world!!!!! tell my friends I love them!!!! AAAAAAA(gets eaten)

**at the kitchen scene**

Esme: We made Italiano for you!

jalicecullen: (runs in) HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Again with the teenage girls?!

Alice: Don't worry Jasper, you won't hurt her... maybe.

jalicecullen: I love Italiano!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jsper: I love humans!

jalicecullen: Oh, really! Are you with the national humane society?!

Edward: Yes...

Jasper: Su-ure..

Edward: You know, you smell a lot like ice cream!

Jasper: No, she smells like chocolate.

Edward: Ice cream.

Jasper: Chocolate.

Emmett: Chocolate ice cream!

Jasper and Edward: Yeah! (they look at eachother, then tackle jalicecullen)

jalicecullen: ! (gets eaten)

**some random time**

Me: (Bowing on a stage for some reason... just go with it)

Rosalie: (Pushes me off)

Me: (lands on my head and breaks my neck, I die)

Edward: Rose! Don't walk away! That's wasteful!

Rosalie: (Walks off)

Edward: Well I ain't no waster (eats me)

**A/N: Okay, I just wanted to explain the whole reason was Jeah Hale said she wanted to get eaten like Bella in the previous chapter, so I decided to d this, with my friends premission. So I killed some of my friends and me, and I'm willing to continue something like this. So if you would like to be eaten by a twilight vampire PM me o review, I accept anon. reviews, so if you'd like to be eaten tell me! Thankies! **

**XOXO (huggles and kisses)**

**~Taryn**


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